Frogs, ALREADY?

Here it is, just past the full week of February and we are hearing frogs!

Is that the norm? I can recall them in March, cranking up their mating ribbits, but in February?

Let us know if you live in the Northwest and hear frogs ribbiting already.

Just Have to Share This With You

Yesterday my wife and I were at Albertson’s in Monroe to purchase a Gift Card for somebody.

After we had picked a card, I handed it to my wife. “Wait” I said. “Here is a better one for the occasion, or maybe this one or this one”.

I was jabbering away to my wife when I noticed a clerk staring at me. I thought “what’s wrong with her?”

I then turned to say something to my wife and she was LONG GONE, to a checkout stand a block away!

No wonder the clerk was staring. She sees an old man, talking to the gift cards and is probably thinking I’m a nut case.

Humor: Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview : I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!”
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked .

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just, just . . … excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just … that …I’m picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . ”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!!

East Coast Earthquake Update

BREAKING NEWS: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as “Bush’s Fault”. Obama also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake’s suspicious ties to the Tea Party.

Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers all rolling over in their graves…!

Paradox of Our Times

Today, we have bigger houses and smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less common sense;
More knowledge, but less judgment.
We have more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast,
Get to angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired,
Read too little, watch TV too often, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too little and lie too often.
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.
We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space.
We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice;
We write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.
We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait;
We have higher incomes, but lower morals.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies, but have less communication.
We are long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits and shallow relationships.
More leisure and less fun; More kinds of food, but less nutrition;
Two incomes, but more divorce; Fancier houses, but broken homes.
This is the paradox of our times today.
That’s why I propose, that as of today, you do not keep anything for a special occasion, because every day that you live is a special occasion.
Search for knowledge, read more, sit on your front porch and admire the view without paying attention to your needs.
Spend more time with your family and friends, eat your favorite foods, and visit the places you love.
Life is a chain of moment of enjoyment, not only about survival.
Use your crystal goblets. Do not save your best perfume, and use it every time you feel you want it.
Remove from your vocabulary phrases like “one of these days” and “someday”. Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days”.
Let’s tell our families and friends how much we love them.
Do not delay anything that adds laughter and joy to your life.
Remove from your vocabulary phrases like “one of these days” and “someday”. Let’s write that letter we thought of writing “one of these days”.
Let’s tell our families and friends how much we love them.
Do not delay anything that adds laughter and joy to your life.

Edition 2010-10-31 by Herbert K. Lau

Frontier and Westell?

Just for the heck of it today, I shelled to DOS and typed in ipconfig / all as well as ipconfig (which is fine for most users).

I found something quite interesting. Since we are now with Frontier (and thank you Frontier for going the extra mile by putting up a box for DSL in Index), well, I found that Frontier routes through Westell.

How odd. Well, to me anyway. http://www.westell.com. Here is my ipconfig:

Windows IP Configuration

Ethernet adapter Local Area Connection:

Connection-specific DNS Suffix . : westell.com
IP Address. . . . . . . . . . . . : 192.168.1.21
Subnet Mask . . . . . . . . . . . : 255.255.255.0
IP Address. . . . . . . . . . . . : fe80::213:8fff:fe84:bac2%4
Default Gateway . . . . . . . . . : 192.168.1.1

Tunnel adapter Teredo Tunneling Pseudo-Interface:
Connection-specific DNS Suffix . :
IP Address. . . . . . . . . . . . : fe80::ffff:ffff:fffd%5
Default Gateway . . . . . . . . . :

Tunnel adapter Automatic Tunneling Pseudo-Interface:

Connection-specific DNS Suffix . : westell.com
IP Address. . . . . . . . . . . . : fe80::5efe:192.168.1.21%2
Default Gateway . . . . . . . . . :

Humor: Senior Texting and Tweeting

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Oh, come on! It was funny!!! No?

Ed

Puns For Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Humor: Mouse Jam

Well, we can’t be serious ALL of the time:
—————————————
Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don’t have a mouse you fool!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?… I will send a picture…….

Humor:Little Known Feline Ailments

We like cats and dogs both.  As things stand, we happen to have three felines.  One female and two males.  A Blue Point (male), a Seal Point Ragdoll (female) and a Lynx (male).  All of them are purebred Siamese with personality’s that can drive you nuts.

We could not resist posting this humorous tidbit.  Thanks to tazzys.org for sharing this.

AUTHOR UNKOWN

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat  suddenly collapse, leaving the cat wagging its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

* * * * *

SNUDGING

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase “soggy nudging.” Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

* * * * *

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night.  It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious — any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

* * * * *

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone, etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as (and) when they occur.

* * * * *

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat’s life and there is no long-term cure.

* * * * *

SMURGLING

Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owner’s earlobes/ nose/fingers/ skin, drooling, glazed _expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

* * * * *

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms: Random dashes running helter-skelter through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed _expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them.