Humor: Lizard Birth

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview : I had to take my son’s lizard to the vet.

Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I called, “come look at the lizard!”

“Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She’s having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”

I was equally outraged.

“Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.

“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!”
“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it’s just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

“Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Oh, gross!” they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

“We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“It’s breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

“Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know.

“Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

“Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked .

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back” He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

“So, Ernie’s just, just . . … excited,” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. “It’s just … that …I’m picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . ”
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard’s winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!!

Puns For Educated Minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A Bit of Humor – Where to Retire

We don’t normally post “jokes” except to the Waste of Time Department, and that’s where this one is ending up. This drew a laugh from us, which is hard to do. The Midwest one is SPOT ON for this area.
———————————
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn… that is, if you even have a car.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. (You can do this in Index too).
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.

You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. (Ever been to Reiter out here in Index)?
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

AND You can live in Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. (Hmmmm, have they been to Washington State)?
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

AND FINALLY – YOU MUST LIVE IN WASHINGTON IF:
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in Washington.

If you’ve worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Washington.

If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Washington.

If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Washington.

If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ and back again in the same day, you live in Washington.

If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Washington

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Washington.

If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Washington.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Washington.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Washington.

If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Washington.

If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Washington.

If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Washington.

If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal, you live in Washington.

If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Washington.

If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Washington.

If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Washington.

If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Washington.

If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Washington.

If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Washington.

If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Washington.

If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Washington.

If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Washington.

If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Washington.

Waste of Time Department – Sept. 2008

Matter – A Tangram Like Puzzle Game
This is an addicting puzzle game based loosely on the ancient Chinese Tangram game.
http://www.gieson.com/Library/projects/games/matter/

String Spin
http://www.zefrank.com/string_spinv2/
Make your own 3D creations by just drawing lines. String Spin transforms those simple lines into complex 3D designs.

Flash Spider
http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/
The Flash spider is a fun time wasting diversion that will keep you entertained and amazed. If you have a cats around you may find that they are very intrigued by this little online toy.

Double Wires – Like Spiderman on Drugs
http://onemorelevel.com/game/double_wires
What do you get when you combine the moves of Spiderman, a rag doll stick figure, and level design that looks like it’s on drugs? You get a maddeningly addictive game that you just have to keep playing no matter how many times your stick figure falls to his death.

Bloxorz – A Very Addictive Puzzle Game
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/games/bloxorz
How much fun can rolling around a rectangular solid block be? It turns out that it can be a lot of fun when it’s the addictive puzzle game, Bloxorz, by DX Interactive.

The Top Ten Free Time Wasting Sites on the Net
http://freebies.about.com/od/710/tp/timewasting.htm