A Bit of Humor – Where to Retire
We don’t normally post “jokes” except to the Waste of Time Department, and that’s where this one is ending up. This drew a laugh from us, which is hard to do. The Midwest one is SPOT ON for this area.
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You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn… that is, if you even have a car.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. (You can do this in Index too).
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.
You can live in Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. (Ever been to Reiter out here in Index)?
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
AND You can live in Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. (Hmmmm, have they been to Washington State)?
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
AND FINALLY – YOU MUST LIVE IN WASHINGTON IF:
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you live in Washington.
If you’ve worn shorts, sandals and a parka at the same time, you live in Washington.
If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you live in Washington.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in Washington.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in Washington.
If you have switched from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ and back again in the same day, you live in Washington.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both doors unlocked, you live in Washington
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in Central, Southern or Eastern Washington.
If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a 2 layers of clothes or under a raincoat, you live in Washington.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow and ice, you live in Washington.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction, you live in Washington.
If you feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash, you live in Washington.
If you know more than 10 ways to order coffee, you live in Washington.
If you know more people who own boats than air conditioners, you live in Washington.
If you stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal, you live in Washington.
If you consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain, you live in Washington.
If you can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Dutch Bros, you live in Washington.
If you know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon, you live in Washington.
If you know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Abiqua, Issaquah, Oregon, Umpqua, Yakima and Willamette, you live in Washington.
If you consider swimming an indoor sport, you live in Washington.
If you can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food, you live in Washington.
If you never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho, you live in Washington.
If you have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain, you live in Washington.
If you think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists, you live in Washington.
If you buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time, you live in Washington.
Tags: Humor, Waste of Time
Waste of Time Department | Ed | 
August 27, 2009 7:37 am | 
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